Prayers of a scared boy

The cancer has returned... and I am really scared.
I'm not scared of dying, but I'm so scared that I'm going to keep living a life of uncertainty.

I'm scared of pain.
I'm scared that I will become a burden to the people around me.
I'm scared that I'm not good enough to go to heaven.
I'm scared...

It's so pointless to put on a "brave front". Why? For what?
Who am I trying to impress, and who out there is of so high value that I still need to carry on putting on my masks?

Will the treatment work?
Even after the chemotherapy, will the transplant work?
Even after the transplant, will there be irreversible debilitating conditions?

How am I going to pay for my medical bills?
How do I even go on?

I believe in God.
And I believe in prayer. But these days, I really don't know what to pray for.
To be healed? Does God work that way? Is He a magic genie to come and fulfill the bidding and wishes of those who demand it of Him?
Is it even respectful to do so?

This treatment is going to be make the previous treatment look like a walk in the park.

I don't know how I am going to make it through... I really don't know.

Prologue - Renunciation

There are times in our lives where we turn the pages and begin a new chapter. There are also times when God gently blows upon the pages and turns the pages for us.
We may think we write our own stories, but every stroke we set our pen to merely fills in the template of a wondrous and incomprehensible destiny.
~ Ruminations in the quiet place

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " - God

There are so just so many thoughts I need to pen down, so many feelings bottled up - anger, bewilderment, frustration, fear, and underlying everything, an eclectic mix of peace and happiness

So before I forget everything that led up to this day, I'm going to record as much as I can down in words.

***********

I won't say I'm a workaholic, but I think those who have done projects with me know that when I commit to doing something, I give my all. My inability to let go, and let God - I believe - played a crucial part in bringing me to this point in life.

CS Lewis once mentioned in his book "Mere Christianity" that he perceives Pride as the most heinous and insidious of all the deadly sins. And I'm inclined to believe that it is true. What did I stand to gain from being the best in everything? What did I stand to gain in putting my heart and soul into my work and projects? Was it truly for God? Or was it to inflate some misplaced sense of self-worth, to justify something that wasn't there in the first place?

In the game of life, the tangibles are not as straightforward as we perceive.

I think the clue I missed out was: who will stand by your side when the entire world crumbles around you?

30th May 2018

I've been having fits of hollow coughing, shivering and sweating at night, and a mild fever for quite a number of months now. It was becoming the norm. I mean, what was I going to do? Take MC again? Once every two months was cutting it quite close to the ethical limit I allowed myself. 

So I pushed myself to work - with coughing fits and a fever of 38.2. 

It came to a point during the day when I decided enough is enough, I was running hot and cold, barely able to concentrate on the flickering screen or call customers. I told my colleagues I'm grabbing a two hours off and rushed to see a doctor.

38.7 degrees, 5pm. And you know what was my greatest fear while waiting for the doctor? - That the doctor would think that I "chao keng". Yeah, I know.. wtfbrain. But I had a reason for thinking that. My bedside cabinet was filled with medicine because I have been going to see the doctor on Saturdays to ask for more and more medicine that didn't seem to work at all. The cough was getting worse; the fever, well - a combination of Dhasedyl, Dexcophan and Actifed would easily knock any discomforts out of you - along with you.  

Mr. Doctor gave me some more cough syrup and paracetamol and sent me home to rest with a ONE DAY MC. I mean, in my opinion, a one day MC basically means that the doctor thinks that you are wasting his time.

So yeah! I had about 30 hours to recover. - Decided to do something about it, and went home to knock myself out, hoping to recover with "much bed rest", as the old folks like to prescribe.

39.1 degrees, 10pm. Woke up shivering more than ever. Mum was far far away in Cameron Highlands drinking BOH Tea, so I messaged a few close friends for advice. Of course, in the banking industry, we must have "maker-checker" (right?). Someone proposes, and another checks if it is the right selection. 

Stupidity max, especially when it comes to life and death issues. 

Anyway, my checker was, guess who? (or rather, guess what?)... surprise! Facebook!

Word of caution to those who post queries on Facebook. No matter how serious your situation is, take all the comments with a pinch of salt.

My next course of action was.... to get checked into A&E. 

Because, yeah, it took me 1 hour to realize that 39.5 was a brain frying temperature. You can't blame me - the fats in my amygdala was gently being pan seared.

After being in triage for almost an hour, I finally got to see the doctor. Yay.

Mr. Hospital Doctor said that (just to be sure) he wanted me to do a chest x-ray to ensure that my previous spontaneous pneumothorax operation wasn't giving me any complications.

I have to say Mr. HD was quite an enlightened fellah. 

But seriously, for the second time in my frigging life, (the first being the pneumothorax), I saw Mr. HD's eyes widen when he saw the x-ray scans. By this time, my spidey sense was attuned enough to know that something wasn't very right.

Mr. HD sent me to critical care and after drawing a copious amount of my blood in multiple vials, whisked me off to the ward. 

Yay. Hospital. Bed. Again. 

The scene was getting all to familiar. 

Nurse asking what you want to eat;

IV drip injecting freezing cold saline into your blood;

Nurse trying to molest your biceps to get blood pressure (I'm kidding);

And for the strangest of reasons, a pee pot. 

It was like they knew I was going to be incapacitated before hand and were preparing me for it. 

That is absolutely terrible bedside manners.

*******

31st May 2018

Again, the huge crowd of medical students surrounding me. 

Like what? It's just a normal fever right? 

The best part is they ask you if you are okay to take questions, and the students expression are like... aww... okay. Wtfbrain. 

The doctor in charge came shortly after to brief me on what they suspected:

- the X-Ray revealed a >10cm growth mass in my chest, large enough to cover the heart.

- the X-Ray contradicted a scan I did in December 25th 2017, where there was nothing.

- they concluded that the growth must have occurred within a few months.

- they are investigating some protein strands in my blood and need to do a Cardiothorexic Biopsy to determine what was that growth.

A close family friend who was an extremely high ranking and experienced surgeon also helped to review my case and suggested that it was one of two types of contraindications. 

None of which were good. 

Pessimism in the Fifth Degree

I often get the comment: "Hey, you're a really pessimistic person; why are you so hard on yourself?".

Which, in a sense, is an extremely true reflection of my usual, perpetual gloomy outlook on life.

Why would someone look at the half empty glass when they can easily view it as half full?

This governing personality of my life has led me to shape many decisions in my life, both for the better and for worse. In fact, some of the most dramatic decisions in my life were made, having this mindset.

It actually boils down to the concept of living every single day as though it is a gift that you actually never deserved.

To receive every single boon without the hope of expecting more in the future, and the joy of receiving something you never expected to get.

Life is a series of ups and downs, but for the optimistic person, without resilience, life can be a painful series of imaginary ups and hard hitting downs.

To be optimistic without having resilience is one of the most cruel personality combination that can be bestowed upon an individual. On one hand, he perpetually believes that life is going to be awesome, yet on the other hand, life perpetually hands him underhanded blows.

Diametrically opposite would stand the pessimistic person, without resilience (for argument's sake). This person runs through life expecting the worst, and when you perpetually expect the worst, more often than not, life, by standard deviation would give you something markedly better.

Today, I finally managed to eat at the Pokemon Cafe that I wanted to go to for such a long time.

As a pessimistic person, I naturally believed that, given the long queues, it would be impossible for me to find time to go.

Upon stumbling upon the cafe, and realizing that the queue at the cafe was a manageable 5-6 people, it was enough to lift my spirits up and make me really happy for the moment. Better, having absolutely no expectation of the quality of the food, I found that I could focus my glee at the extremely cute designs of the dish itself.

Ironically, my "expertise" in this field of pessimism, combined with a resilience borne of countless failures in life has led me to expect nothing and find joy in everything.

At work, it becomes easy for me to take pleasure in the simple things, like solving a difficult loan calculation, or getting a simple, unexpected, compliment from a customer for going the extra mile. Having a pessimistic outlook on human reactions also leads me to be extremely cautious in my dealings with people - always according respect first, before extending friendship, and finally kinship. This methodology, while not the trait of choleric socialites, has helped me to navigate through some of the toughest relational situations in my life.

That's not to say it doesn't come with its downside (as some would gleefully point out to me).

Pessimism drives my perspective of the future. - While I would not say that I am a very enterprising person, it has prevented me from taking risks that "might" have taken me much further in life.

An example is the offer from a big investor in 2014 to help me open up a cafe / F&B related business. Naturally, I rejected that person, given that I did not believe that I had the capabilities to, and I had a stark outlook on the F&B industry in Singapore. Dejected, he redirected his funds to another cafe and that cafe seems to be doing fairly well. 

Nonetheless, even if I am offered such a boon today, I would likely still say no.

This hyper-pessimistic outlook has reached to such a point when I close my inward eyes toward the future and find myself living the "today" much more than the "tomorrow" or moping about the "past". 

Being happy with the simplest things helps me to be happy and at peace with everything.

Now, where is God in the equation?

To me, God is the source of all blessings. And to find blessings in the smallest of things help you find God in everything.

To see the smile on the cardboard box carrying aunty when you give her your breakfast (even though she would most likely throw it away... - see? pessimism), is to see God smiling back at you. 

To see the cool rain in the morning warms my heart, because I know that there is a high chance tons of people will be late at office, and I probably wouldn't need to rush so much.

To get a small snack from my boss after a hard morning of work becomes an unexpected blessing, because you know that even if it might be the stuff that he or she doesn't want to eat and passes to you, at the very least, you are in their mind.

In a sense, at the very end of my life, to know that you live your life expecting nothing but, in reality gaining everything, is my form of contentment.

Am I happy? - Yes. I am.

But am I pessimistic as well?.....

... You actually read to the end? 

Well done. Thanks. =)

A Personality Quiz (After so many years)

I'm not sure how true this personality test is, but this is my result (I promise I'm not lying):

1) The cube I envisioned fit snugly into my palm, it was slightly smaller than a rubik cube, made of a a smooth, opaque, plastic-like material, and was lying on the sand.

2) The ladder was about a feet away from the cube, and was standing by itself. It was made of a glassy, transparent, crystalline structure.

3) The horse was unbridled, not wild, but without stirrups, harness or any equipment

4) Surprisingly, I saw as many flowers carpeting the desert as far as the eye can see, but within at least a hundred meters radius of me, it was just sand. Weird, given that I never thought I'd make a good father, and with my current situation, it seems all the more unlikely that I will ever have any.

5) As for the storm, it was raining, quite heavily around me, there was thunder, but no lightning, and I wasn't even slightly afraid of it at all. In fact, I was enjoying the downpour, like so many times when I was a kid.

There it is, my... umm... uncensored personality?

The End of the Road

It's funny, when you are given a certain expected time span to live that is seemingly shorter than everybody else's - when you suddenly start to treasure life a lot more.

Knowing my diagnosis drastically altered my priorities and goals in life. 

It had the effect of throwing my entire life into disarray and centering me back on that desperate singularity that all men must meet one day.

Death.

So often, we are caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, that we forget that regardless if we are given 7 weeks, 7 months or 77 years, we must all meet the inevitable end that is inescapable from birth.

Success to me meant so many different things at different stages of my life. 

When I was a kid in primary school, I wanted to be accepted. I would do everything I could do gain a form of "acceptance". It wavered between attempting to get good academic results, and subsequently, failing to do so, I decided to join the group that gave me the attention I wanted. I would cheat, I would fabricate fantastical out-of-this-world stories that inflated a false sense of pride within myself. I lost some great friends when they realized I was heading down that dark path. Nonetheless, my ego was worth more to me compared to anything else.

When I was in secondary school, I was introduced to a whole new, different world. It was a world where rules were meant to be broken, and to escape the consequences of breaking them meant that you were one up.

These were the darkest years of my life. Leading a double, sometimes triple existence, I would - on one hand - act the good kid in school, the loyal friend to my peers, but when the night fell, a different mask would be placed over my apparently bespoke personality.

Success to me, then was to be admired by people. Being badly scarred by acne, not even averagely "sporty" by any standards, not doing well academically, it was easy to fall prey to the desperate cravings of ego. I only had one marketable point in society - and that was my youth. And if I were an entrepreneur by today's standard, I would be a millionaire. Clubbing, pubbing, drinking and... basically everything that should not be done by a kid of 13-15 years old.

I was living a high life. Cash was not a problem, social standing was not a problem. I had more than what any kid needed or wanted.

That was until I encountered death to my face. It scared me witless. But yet, it was that which scarred me so deeply I could not even look back at my past.

[Coincidentally, that was also when I destroyed my previous blog, and restarted with this.]

I had to find a sense of purpose. 

But first, I had to alter my definition of success. 

By the time I was in polytechnic, success had become somewhat of a puritan virtue - to do well in whatever field you are placed in, for the glory of God. 

I worked hard, I studied hard and if there was anything negative that people would have said about me, it would never have been that I was lazy. 

Success in that context reshaped my life, with the blind belief that as long as I worked hard, my life will be well.

The following years were series after series of chapters that proved the above point so very wrong.

Polytechnic life ended and Army life begin.

I forced myself to that puritan mould and pushed my physical boundaries to it's limits, and yet, at the most critical moment, something would go wrong - again. In the army, it was enough to relegate me to 9 months of being in a temporary Pes D status, while they figured out what was wrong with my body. Nonetheless, again, I was proven that it doesn't matter how hard you strive - if life wishes to throw a spanner in your face, it will do it, and hard.

Success was becoming somewhat of an unreachable goal then.

I decided to give one more push at trying to be "successful". And decided that hey, why not try to change the world for the better? 

What better way to reach out to the world then through media? 

Thereafter, my stint in Mediacorp ensued. It was tough. Very tough. It made Army seem like a holiday chalet. The working hours regularly crossed over a hundred hours a week, with no end in sight for projects after projects.

Burnt out became as real to me as my gastric and dark eye-rings. 

But the last straw came when I found out, to my horror, that the diploma path and the degree path were vastly different. And the camel's back broke when I realized that despite me wanting to change the world through media, ultimately, the silver screen shows what the people want to see. The law of economics drives the media engine.

I decided to take a leap of faith and consume all my life's savings at one go for one more grasp at getting a degree (prior to that NTU and NUS rejected me - a double dip holder with and agg of 3.6). 

I was accepted instantly into QUT in Australia with a drastically shortened time span to get a degree within 1.5 years.

Success to me then was making the best use of my time, to experience as much as I could, to learn as much as I could and fling open the door as wide as possible to every window of opportunity that could arise. 

It was also during that time when my perception of faith and the material world drastically changed. 

This time round, life didn't throw a spanner at my face. 

However, it did emphasize the over-pertinent point that you can never be prepared enough for what was to come next.

Success - at that point of time, again, was to grab any window of opportunity.

And the window came when I was given the opportunity to do a U-turn into the Financial sector. Without a moment's hesitation, I grabbed at that opportunity.

Twelve CMFAS examinations in 2 months. 

From a person who had absolutely NO knowledge in finance, to a full-fledged banker.

Stocks, options, structured products, insurance, financial regulations, technical analysis. It was a do-or-die. And I knew that this window would probably open only once. 

Success was when I received my RIN Code as a banker in DBS.

Or so I thought. 

I was successful, in contrast to my peers, many who were still slogging through university, or seemingly trudging through the tough media-mud.

Or so I thought.

Until an elderly man came into my office and set down in front of my desk and broke down. He was in his early 80s, and a blue collared worker (I assumed). He asked me to explain in detail why he lost so much money in a product that he bought quite some time back. He invested a sizable amount of his savings into this "basket" of products and without an exception, every one lost a huge amount of money. The word "principle protected" had a very different definition at that point of time.

Long story short, I was so traumatized by that incident I decided to quit sales completely. Because I understood the pressure that the banker was probably under to close the sales, and yet I fully empathized with the lost of this old man's (almost entire) retirement savings.

I took MC the next day and I just laid in bed. 

Was the banker successful? Was the old man just "unlucky"?

What vicious form of success was this that had to be built on the bones of others?

I quit a high-flying job and decided to "relegate" myself to a role of a service RM.

To this day, I believe that my decision to leave was correct. 

To stay in that role would have altered my perception of what was good and right, muted my empathy for suffering in place of more sales, and worst of all, it would severely scar my moral conscious and compass. 

There was a need for another definition of success.

Being an ARM at my current workplace is no bed of roses either. Getting ticked off by customers for things entirely out of our control, and likewise, managing the expectations of the bankers that we work for.

Success was making your workplace a happy one. Or so I believed. 

Make your customers happy, make your colleagues happy, make your boss happy.

There is a saying, "when the going gets tough, the tough gets going". The person obviously didn't meet a wall in his life.

Trying to make everybody happy was a huge mistake. I placed so much pressure on myself that it became nightmarish. I could not disappoint. I must not disappoint. If I have to stay back and work extra hours to complete a task to see the smile on my colleagues' / bosses' face the next day, I would do it.

In a meritocratic society, the flaw with this mindset is: "hey, this person thrives under pressure, let's up the ante." without realizing that he is at his breaking point.

And there was it.

My body decided enough was enough, and literally, collapsed.

Two serious hospitalizations in less than 6 months, with bills amounting to tens of thousands of dollars. (Thank God for insurance). 

The toll that my definition for success took was a price that could not be measured in monetary value. - my health. And not anecdotally. 

My health literally failed me.

And with that, my life.

The doctor told me that I had weeks. And I could make the best use of my time to do what I wanted to do instead.

The hammer fell. And it fell so hard that I went into depression.

How do I tell my parents? 

How do I tell my family and loved ones?

Will I be a burden to them?

Will my parents have to "send off" their child soon?

It just couldn't be true.

The "price" was just too high!
It wasn't fair!

My heart sank so deep that I thought I would never recover again.

But in the deepest darkest, the smallest ray of light provides the brightest, most steadfast hope.

My God.

My Lord beyond the blue.

Success was never about me, or was it about people around me, or even changing the world.

Success was never relevant in the first place.

The ultimate reality that all men must face is death. The inevitable, inescapable conclusion of all humanity is death.

So what have I been striving for?

Success, for me, was bought on the cross. 

And it did not matter one bit how well I did in life, or how the world thought I was or how happy I made the people around me. 

At the very end, to simply hold on to His hand, is enough.

And to know that since the beginning, He has never let go of mine.

When I finish walking through the valley of death, He will be there.

When I am done with the struggles of my ailing body, He will meet me at the place where there is no pain, no sickness, and He will wipe away the last vestige of tears from my face with the same hand that brought me to Him.

That peace, that joy and hope that is in me, must now take the forefront.

Every day I live is borrowed time, and every single moment, I must live with the peace that, should today my Lord chooses to bring me home, I will go smiling.

And when that day comes, I will shout it from the mountaintops, from the highest heavens with every fibre of my being. "Yes, I am successful, because of my Saviour!"

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." ~ Romans 8: 24-25

Somehow, watching heartbreaking, heart-wrenching soap operas seems to have a soothing effect on me.
Perhaps it's because I guess... Their pain is probably worse off.

Zet-Tai, Kare ishi.
Perhaps I'd make the worst partner in the world after all.

Don't attempt to get too close to me without my permission. I bite.

Post Mortum

2014 draws to a close, marking almost a decade since I started to blog.

It's funny how small, seemingly inconsequential things seem to bug you only at certain periods of your life.

Like for example, how ever since the doctor mentioned I have a borderline-low blood pressure, suddenly my life's entire paradigm seemed to change.

Well, a year doesn't really come to a close without yourself reflecting on what you have achieved or lost over the months..

Let's see...

[+ve]

1) I think my physical body has transformed quite a bit, incurring an onslaught of comments, both positive and negative from people around me. I like how it's progressing, but I think I need to start changing my routine. Given my size, I am actually still quite weak. Oh, and yah, I'm definitely not about to stop growing - the end is nowhere in sight.

[+ve]

2) I believe I've reached a point in my life where striving for contentment seem more important than running the rat race. Machiam sounds like I'm damn old, but I see people around me struggling to climb up the corporate ladder, surrounding themselves with titles and wealth, while pretending to be happy. Sort of makes you question the purpose of life. I believe strongly that happiness is closely tied to what you believe is success, and claiming it for your own contentment and the glory of God.

[-ve]

3) I've not felt much spiritual growth this year, perhaps cooling down from the years in Brisbane - but that's not how the Spirit works, does it? I really need to spend some quiet moments with God in the upcoming year. I've not heard His voice for sometime now. Feels empty. Nonetheless, I've been coming up with various ways to justify myself... from serving fervidly in the ministry to running all sorts of food-based fund-raisers. Nope. Still feels empty. If anything I feel on the verge of a major burnout.

[-ve]

4) Family. Even though I may not say it, I've really been neglecting my parents. It's something I'm really really so ashamed about. Nowadays, I spend like at most one day a week having a meal with my parents, and maybe, just maybe once a month with with my parents and Victor. It's hideously incorrigible. 

I feel like a really bad son. Perhaps my only redemption is that I don't hold back on buying or giving them whatever they need. But still nothing can replace time and human relationship.  

Sometimes, I look at my dad, and I really don't know who he is anymore. Over the past two years, he has deteriorated so much, I can actually see the physical and mental deterioration.

He stays up late in the night until 4 or 5 am, packing and repacking loose items in the house, if not, he will boil all sorts of chinese desserts and pack them in a hundred different containers. Elsewise, he will succumb to his horrific computer game addiction and play online mahjong for hours upon hours (I'm talking like 7-8 hours)

It's nightmarish. Both my mum and I know that such a drawn out, extensive period of such a lifestyle can't bode well for anybody, but he just would not listen to anybody's advise.

Especially in this aspect, I'm at a loss of what to do. 

I don't know how to cope with parental aging, I don't know what to expect, and I don't know how long I can watch my dad destroy his own life on a daily basis.

****

(afk)

Anyway, perhaps on a cheerier topic (almost anything is more cheerier than that horrid fourth point), perhaps I can recount the top ten most expensive stuff obtained this year:

1) Trip to Melbourne (approx $4000)

2) ASUS Republic of Gamers laptop (approx $2400)

3) Skin Care Package (approx $880)

4) Trip to Taiwan (approx $800)

5) Samsung Galaxy Note 4 (approx $640)

6) Cole Han leather shoes (approx $400)

7) 2x Garmin Vivofit - for my mum and dad (approx $350)

8) ASICS Kinsei sports shoes (approx $300)

9) SKII Facial Treatment Essence - for my mum (approx $300) 

10) Timberland GORETEX Weatherproof boots (approx $250)

Oh.. well.

*grins*

I'll try to update more.

Loves.

Overload.

I'm losing everything else because of a few things.
Sigh.. Priorities, priorities.

Really people, I would like to blog more, but at the moment I'm actually afraid of what to write.

I've been afraid for a long time already.

I've been feeling really emotionally unstable recently.

Feels like I need some time alone, without the mind numbing strain and stress of thinking what is going wrong, or bothering about how people feel.

If I isolate myself, I guess, it wouldn't really matter.

I need some quiet time.

Alone.

Reflections as the sun sets

As 2013 draws to a close, I guess it's time to pause and take stock of what are the most important events that happened to me.

This year was a year of change - definitely. Taking massive strides and leaps into areas which I do not know how far I can succeed. But the central underlying theme that permeates every decision seem to point towards one direction, I'm becoming more and more robotic, more and more practical at the expense of relationships and emotional ties.

Well... I'm blogging less and less these days, blogging being part of my impractical and time wasting activities (ironically, I'm reflecting a lot more nowadays).

So before I start getting annoyed at myself for being so unfocused, let me list down the most important events this year for me (*not in order of importance).

1) Mid January: I obtained my license as a fully certified Financial Adviser. Passing a total of 12 modules within 3 months. The nightmare of studying for the 12 examinations still haunt me sometimes, but obtaining the license validated my belief that I am not stupid - definitely.

2) February - March: I transited from DBS bank to Citibank IPB, almost without a moment's hesitation. I believe to this day that it was one of the best decisions I made.

3) January: I met Nicole, Ayesa and Brandon. Along with Jason and RJ, we forged a really interesting group of friends with diverse opinions and similar interests.After more then a decade, I think I found home in a small group of friends that I can talk to.

4) May: My first medical mission opened my eyes to a poverty strickened world beyond Singapore. Some people come for medical help, some come for emotional help, we all provided them.

5) Mid June: I removed my specs for the first time in my life, and read all the words on the optic chart without mistakes. The epiLasik costed a bomb, but I now have almost perfect vision.

6) Mid November: I got my synthesizer. Nuff said.

7) November: I removed my wisdom teeth. Bringing my total teeth removed due to my mouth being too small to 8. 

8) November: My RM and I won an award called "Honey Pot". While, I know it is hugely due to her hard work and skill, I also believe that I played relatively successfully a small role in helping create the complete customer experience for her clients.

9) July: I jumped into Dayang to scuba dive for the first time.

10) Mid December: I visited the Philippines   for the first time and had a gastronomical experience.

Okay, I'm getting sleepy.

In the mocking silence

And then the voices come.
They tell you that you are not good enough.
They tell you are a failure.
They tell you that you'll never be able to make it.
They tell you that the task is too difficult.
They tell you that life will only get harder.

They question your resolve.
They question why despite trying so hard you are still going downhill.
They question why it is you are such an incompetent fool that others can accomplish such simple tasks yet you can't.
They question your beliefs.

And they slowly but surely nudge you towards the inescapable pit.

Your best is not enough, because if your best is getting you the worst, it's time to reconsider what you think is getting you there.

Dear Andrew. Just give up.

To See Again

Now that I look back, I think I should have reminiscence more specifically at the point at which my myopia sets in most strongly.

My vision now doesn't seem to be 20/20, but its far better then previously, though it does seem that my eyes aren't what they used to be.

Well, while it is fresh from my mind, let me recount the entire process of my Lasik experience:

It starts with a series of tests, almost 2 hours long, where they test your eyballs using all sorts of pretty harmless looking equipment. There were about 6 different machines and after that, a lengthy session with the sci-fi looking glasses that helps the optician accurately pinpoint what is the extent of your myopia.

On a side note, apparently there IS a possibility that you could claim Medisave for Lasik, but only if your myopia and astigmatism reached a certain ratio. I barely managed to fall into that category, so now it's cross-fingers and pray that I could get a government subsidy.

Next, the assistant will test your eyes with a series of eye-drops. The main reason according to her was to ensure that there is no allergic reaction to the eye-drops that would be use during the surgery itself.

So that was it for the first day.

The second day was a few days away (for those who find my English incomprehensible, good on you). It was a pretty long wait at the clinic before the consultant finally saw me. He gave me a thorough breakdown on what was the report on my eye, and even kindly drew me a diagram on how my eye saw stuff. (which was quite interesting actually - did you know that technically your eyes see things upside-down? Your brain turns it right side up) - anyway, he warned me that my retina thickness was below average, and the likelihood of me doing a second Lasik, in the event of an under-correction or similar might be near impossible.

Yes, it is possible for the doctor to make mistakes even with today's technology. That set me thinking. But eventually I relented and agreed to sign the indemnity and all the necessary forms.

The day of the surgery itself was nerve wrecking. I took an hours' leave to leave earlier from my office to travel to the clinic to calm myself down. The operation was scheduled to begin at 5:30, but there were plenty of things to do before that.
First I had to read through an indemnity listing all the possible side effects (which I already researched, found out and knew), the follow-up costs involved and of course, the payment.
Interestingly, (and most scarily), before the start of the operation, I had to upfront first. This was not the normal procedure that I generally hear about operations. But I did so anyway.

So begins the operation.

The assistant ran me through all the eye-test machines and confirmed all my eyeball statistics again, before asking me to change into the attire for the operation room. - you know, the pyjamas-like, light-weight green uniform that patients always wear in ER. Before proceeding to tilt back my head to input a barrage of de-sensitizing eyedrops.
Interestingly, I did not feel my eyes getting desensitized or numb. But of course, I would not for the life of me poke my eyes to find out.

In the operation theatre, the doctor was a jovial cherub and the two nurse beside him looked as serious as corpses. He bid me climb on the operation table where a huge machine hovered on top. It really looked like something out of a science fiction book.
I meekly crawled onto the bed, getting increasingly nervous with each passing moment.

Once I was "settled' and "in-place" (I use inverted commas because I was trembling seriously), the doctor started to crack multiple jokes, I guess in a bid to calm me down, but it didn't really work. It was more of my knowledge that he has done over a thousand patients and have over 20 years of experience that calmed me down.
He used a metallic clip-like thing to fasten over my eyes, causing me to be unable to blink I was thinking that I would be unable to control the blinking, after all... it was a natural human reaction to blink. But curiously enough, I did not feel the urge to blink. I guess that was the work of the numbing eyedrops.

Next, the surgeon put some eyedrops that did something, I'm not sure. But I know it's not the numbing eyedrops, as this particular eyedrops caused my vision to become blurry.

Immediately after that, he put a lens over the eye, and smeared some dark stuff onto the lens. Then the machine came to live.
I must say, even a man with ironballs would grimace on hearing the high pitch hum of the machine.

There were three lights, if I recall, green, yellow and blue, with a small red centre. The light was never blinding, nor was it painful to look at. My body was on manual processing mode, and every order from the surgeon was met with as precise a movement from my biological construct.
He told me to look into the red centre, and he calibrated some stuff, then begun the Lasik for real. The operation took less then 15 seconds, but it felt like a few minutes at least. The laser was not painful as it filled my entire vision with blue, yellow and green and red. But you could distinctly smell something burning, like a BBQ. I prayed so hard that nothing would go wrong.
Towards the end of the 15 seconds, my vision slowly started fading to darkness, then almost as fast as it faded, my vision came back, blindingly bright. - it was done, now for the other eye.

The total operation duration was 15 minutes tops, but it felt like hours inside.

When it was finally done, I cautiously lowered myself out of the bed and into heaven - everything around me was blazingly bright. The lights had massive halos, and white light was WHITE light. Even the doctor's suit seemed to be some holy radiant garment.
The surgeon then asked me to take a photo with him on his iPad and then proceeded to usher me out of the theatre.

I was given a pair of super dark sunglasses to wear, with extra protection around the edges for protection from the damnable haze. My eyes was flooded with an anti-inflammatory eyedrops and an antibiotic eyedrop. And I was sent packing.

So here I am - it has been about 2 weeks since the Lasik and my vision is slowly returning, but things are still blur, much to my angst. It feels like about 100 degrees right now. One protective lens is still in my right eye, as it is recovering slower then expected. But all is good.

I hope it will get better.

Spectacle Woes

This is probably my last blog post before my lasik operation due in a few days. 

And after that, I'd probably need to rest my eyes a heck lot also.

So before my vision gets fully restored again, I think I should catalogue what the world looks like to me with 450/650 on my left and right eyes respectively. Guess I shouldn't leave this cataloguing to my post operation, lest the Australian syndrome relapses again.

How does the world look like to me right now?

I guess, for almost 20 years of my life, I have peered through the world through a pair of frames. I hardly noticed my vision getting blurrer and blurrer until it reached a point in time when I lost my pair of spectacles, and I realized just how truly lost I am.

Let me list some horrible disadvantages for wearing spectacles:

1) Waking up in the morning, and for some reason, you can't remember where you placed your spectacles the night before.

Good luck trying to find it, especially if it has dropped behind the bed.

2) Inability to wear any shades. 

I find this a major fashion inconvenience. I like Oakleys, alot. It doesn't help that I can't wear 90% of their products. This, on top of being unable to shield yourself from the glare of the noonday sun - even with a full photogrey or transition lens, the glare is still substantial.

3)  Swimming.

For avid swimmers, we know that there are several types of goggles. Those fat lace goggles for noobs and those sleek racing goggles. Unfortunately, there are hardly any sleek racing goggles catered for those blessed with myopia. So we make do with the fat lace goggles. But it aint a problem, we can still swim faster then you - it just looks, well... 

4) Football.

I think my only paranoia about that game is the ball hitting my face - which incidentally, is quite often. I've lost like 3 spectacles due to some dudes who believe they are Frank Lampard. Apart from the ball making love to your face, is the fact that your spectacles tend to file for divorce when you sweat. This is the reason why in NS, it is so important to get those rubber hooks behind the spectacles. Especially my spectacles; once having made love a few times to a soccer ball, has the tendency to slip away from my face when I'm sweaty.

5) The bathroom.

I'm narcissistic. But who can deny it sucks being unable to see yourself in the mirror when you are bathing. - okay, maybe I might be abit over, but really, reaching out for the shampoo grants you the conditioner and the conditioner grants you the bodywash..... you get my drift. You can't wear your spectacles while you bathe, it doesn't work. 

6) The giant fireballs at night. 

Astigmatism is one side effect of myopia. Your light sources get amplified unnecessarily, and your night vision fails you especially when you need to go to the toilet to pee in the middle of the night.

7) 3D Movies. 

Nuff said. Have you seen a 3D glasses with prescription? 

8) Meeting up with new people and having them comment. "ooh, that guy is so nerdy-cute!". 

Yeah, I can probably lift heavier weights then your boyfriend and 75% of your non-spectacle-wearing-guy-friends on your facebook. Who's nerdy-cute now? heh. But seriously, I don't mind.. I think I'd probably miss that comment most when I zap out my glasses.

9) Zero peripheral ability. 

Birds have about 320 degrees of peripheral vision, Hedgehogs about 260 degrees,   Chimps about 140 degrees, Humans about 120 degrees of peripheral vision. I have about 90 degrees. This means that an assassin could stab me at the side and blink away fast enough that I would probably think my waist suddenly burst out in blood by itself. Talk about lack of defence. 

10) You can't see how the barber is cutting your hair.

This is probably one of the worst. The hairdresser can be happily snipping your hair away and you have no idea how he or she is mutilating your poor crowning glory. More then once have I put on my spectacles to a person I barely recognize any more. And they still have the cheek to ask you why you didn't stop them earlier. Hello, if I wanted my hair to be short, I'm not expecting it to be NSF army boy short, if I wanted it to be that short, I'd go to the deng-lang barber downstairs for $6 to get it done in 5 minutes.

Okay, there are a heck load of disadvantages wearing spectacles, but for those who have the luxury of wearing contact lenses, or never had to wear spectacles in your life before, please don't attempt to stop me from doing my lasik. It's worse then hypocrisy.

For once in my life, I want to see again - like a normal human being. 

Disorientation

Time flies when  you are busy. In fact, it flies even faster when you are productive.

Since I ever knew myself, I knew I was an introvert attempting time and again to pretend to be an extrovert. Interestingly, the motivations behind it is purely due to my belief that extroverts are much more likely to be successful in society in contrast to introverts.

I was asked today, "why do you think you are an introvert? you seem to be quite chatty and can hold a conversation pretty well!"

Ha. Complements aside, I know I'm an because I like being alone. In fact, I enjoy being alone so much that my "alone time" is so hard-wired into my schedule it is actually quite difficult to grab hold of me for anything.

Even in Australia, I loved sitting by myself at the front balcony (assuming it's not summer, God-forbid), and just reading from my laptop. Sometimes, I would even print out my lecture notes so that I can sit on top of the wooden table and bask in the warmth of the early spring and late autumn sun.

Above all, my gym time is as personal as it gets for most of it.

Oh well, I'm blogging because I actually have some breather time to recalibrate my thoughts.

My new job is pretty awesome. It's a standard 8:30-5:30 job, with the occasional stay-back-to-do-work-because-you-are-a-responsible-guy stints. My colleagues are AWESOME, it's such a warm and happy culture within the workplace that it is hard to feel miserable even under extreme stress (i.e. having to finish stacks of orders in one day).

I guess I have worked in quite a few places: Pastamania, Singapore Press Holdings, Mediacorp, DBS and now Citibank. But I don't think any of my predecessors really can come close to the supportive environment of my current workplace.

Humility is an important aspect of a structured, tall-pyramid, formal working environment, and I believe I ingrain it to a large extent in everything I do. - and I guess my colleagues take it quite well.

While the finance industry can be a terrifying place to many people who study the undercurrents, even to the point where some financial analysts and bankers would not even invest in stocks, despite their sizable income. While it is complicated, if the culture of the workplace is one that simplifies and pacifies, constantly looking for opportunity and being optimistic, it will inevitably overflow to the customers as well. 

right. okay.

enough of corporate culture philosophy.

An interesting fact is that I am actually the only male assistant banker within my department. I've lost count how many times they exclaimed that there is a yin-yang balancing problem within my department. Heh. Oh well, while I would love to work in an all-guys environment, I tend to end up at the other end most of the time.

It's still good, I guess (or rather hope) I'd be treasured more. Lol.

I get to talk to some very interesting customers occasionally as well. So, it's not a  boring job at all! 

Well, it IS clerical to a large extent, but hell, I can work out a ton of sweat after 6pm! 

So, in summary:

- Standard working hours

- Supportive working environment

- Kind supervisors

- Structured and systematic workflow

- Concrete roles and responsibilities

- Constant learning and adapting

- Employee and customer centric culture

- Decent pay

- Fantastic future job opportunities

It's pretty much a dream job for most people, especially introverts and systematically logical people. 

I'm having the time of my life at Citibank. =D

This is free advertising for them from the bottom of my heart.

I've lost count on how many times I just sit back, in the quiet stillness.

Tilt my head back and close my eyes,

Imagining I'm back there again. 

Blessed are the Rich

While I was browsing Facebook today, I stumbled upon an old friend's post that jolted me quite a bit.
She said: "God loves the rich more then the poor."

Try as I might, I could not fault her in that belief as from a secular perspective, it does seem quite true - God seems to be more bias towards the rich then unfortunate poor. It doesn't take much explanation to see why - the rich are able to buy their health, live much less stressful lives, leave behind momentous legacies that far outlasts their own physical lives... and much more.

In fact, with so many churches preaching about "faith giving", and "prosperity gospels", it does seem that one could actually buy their way to heaven using money.

But I digress, the above is merely from secular perspective. To see the world from the lens of God, a person needs to understand His heart first.

1) Jesus came down poor
God could easily send the Holy Spirit to impregnate one of Caesar's concubines and hey presto, you would get a Jesus who is not only has inexhaustible material wealth, he's also have a heck lot of political clout. But no, Jesus became born as a human being in one of the most poverty stricken districts smack right in one of the most culturally and capitally developed civilizations on earth. He was born to an abjectly poor family who probably was chased out of a tavern because of caste differences, and breathed His first breath in a stinky stable in a wooden box where donkeys eat their food out from.
He was the saviour of the poor first, before the rich even came to him.

Why would God do that? Seriously? Wouldn't it be easier if He sent Jesus to be born in a wealthy family? He would have a moneybag swiss-knife that could bend people to His will!

But nooooo. Poor.

God's heart for people is never to force people to accept His love. To use legions to subjugate populations to "confess Christ" is antithesis and heresy. He wants people to come to Him willingly, and to love Him out of a willing heart, with their own choice. That is why material wealth would be a hindrance instead of a tool in spreading the message of salvation.

2) Jesus' first teaching, the Beatitudes fore-mentions "poor", "meek", "persecuted", "weak", "hungry", with more then half of the reference in direct reference to people living in poverty.
Blessed are the poor.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake.
Blessed are those who hunger for righteousness.

Why? It's a ridiculous notion because it is the RICH who are blessed, isn't it?
C'mon. Blessed are the rich for they have a beautiful Porsche.
Blessed are the fabulously wealthy for they can buy their own frigging kingdom.

It is in this context when this teaching shines through. - Rich people do not need any more blessing. They are self sufficient in much, they are self sufficient in little. That is why they do not see blessings any more - what they see is, "I constructed my kingdom with my own hands, with my own social skills and expertise - where was God in all this?".
The marginalized and poor have nothing, every day they wake up is a blessing, every meal they eat they feel undeservedly grateful for it. It is in this when the poor are able to see God in the smallest plentitudes in their life..

3) The eye of the needle.
Probably one of the most painful statements that Jesus ever said.

I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:23-26

Rich people DESPAIR.
Well... if you were the disciples at that time you would probably baulk at this statement as it would probably mean in today's context - nobody to fund the church, no land from government, nobody to give large tithes.

But probably the more important statement is the last part of the verse which says, "Who then can be saved?" and Jesus answered. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Because in contrast with the lifestyle that Jesus was living, hell, probably every other person walking on the street was rich.

The rich will find it harder to enter the kingdom of heaven because the more material wealth they struggled to build on earth, the harder they will fight against relinquishing it.
For the poor person on the roadside, the homeless pauper, to give his lunch money of $2 into the charity box, merely means that he will go hungry again, maybe, God-Willing, he will be able to get another $2 for dinner.
For the wealthy CEO and billionaire, a proportionate equivalent of the pauper's $2 would be, yes, a couple of billion dollars. What goes through his mind is however, far more complex - what will happen to my business empire? My shareholders? My stock options? My loans? What about my reputation? What about the workers who work under me? - as a result, he'd probably throw in a grand $1000 bill and give himself a pat on the back saying, 'Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and render unto God what is God's.", without even understanding that he just condemned himself.

But does that mean that the rich cannot be saved? Of course they can!
Salvation itself is an impossibility apart from God.
Transcribed into the former passage, you get "With men, salvation is impossible." - and true is that.

Salvation itself is an impossibility, so why question impossibility unless you are questioning salvation?

So back to the topic, rich people are not more blessed.
Rich people, in fact, are more tested.

For every dollar you have comes from God, be it one or a billion dollars.
Blessed are those who believe with all their hearts that they are poor, if not for God.

Living On The Other Side of the World - The Weather

I miss Brisbane a lot. 

I think one of the thing I regret most not doing down under is blogging more and taking more photos. There are so many things which I struggle to recall, to reminisce... With each thought, a frantic grasp to store it in some deep recess of my mind, hoping it will never disappear.

Australia is a really beautiful place. From the most rustic villages to the most urban cities; the unique flare that carries the Australian spirit is omnipresent.

Well... In another bid to catalogue my fleeting memories, I'm going to list down 5 things which I find so awesome about Australia.

Today, it's the weather.

1) The Weather

I think most Singaporeans would agree that Singapore is too hot. Waaay too hot. But guess what, Singapore is not as hot as Brisbane in summer. The summer of 2012 took the temperature all the way up to a blasting 38 degree centigrade that merely staying in the shade was a token blessing. But guess what? Queenslanders love the sun, even in that mad, baking temperature, the man-made beach at South Bank (a testament to their love of the sun and sea), would be filled to the brim with people. Kangeroo Point would be alive with novice climbers attempting to conquer the scenic cliff. Brisbane River would be rife with jet skis and racing kayaks.

That is merely the summer. I could go on and on about  the beauty of having 4 seasons.

The transitions between seasons would bring a few weeks of light rain. Unlike the showers in Singapore which comes and goes in a flash; these light rain lasts for days on end - pausing only for a few hours before continuing their laborious task to shift the season. The temperature sometimes plummets during these transitions, especially between Autumn and Winter, Winter and Spring, dropping to as low as 5-6 degrees at night even. 

It's during these times when I like to sit at my half broken wooden table outside my house and gaze into the hazy mist. The constant raindrops soothes a troubled mind or wounded heart far better then any other therapy.

Autumn is a curious mix of warm, still air and cold gusts. It's absolutely my most favourite time to brush up on my running. Running down along Coronation Drive, beside the calm Brisbane River at just about sunset is probably one of the most memorable things I did frequently. The sun setting on the horizon reflects snake-like blazing flames onto a pristine, azure sky. Framed by the city, or even the Wheel of Brisbane by Southbank, could just wish you could capture that moment on film. The temperature is usually about 16 - 27 degrees, with the low humidity, it is a chore to break a sweat for constant runners.

Winter is a season which I have extreme mixed feelings about. I will never forget how I just curled up in bed, trying to cover myself with as many blankets and jackets possible.- nothing seemed enough. It did not help that my house was a typical wooden Queenslander house. The roaring winds at night pierced the walls and kept me awake, teeth chattering.

Yeah, pathetic, I know. But I was brought up in a tropical environment, where the lowest temperature is twice that of the max temperature in winter. It was not something I was used to.

Nonetheless, that experience made me appreciate warmth a lot more. I never understood the meaning of "the luxury of a thick blanket and warm fire", until I experienced winter. While heat can severely irritate a person, it never saps the life out of people. Cold however, has the ability to destroy willpower.

Nothing that a warm bowl of stew can't solve however! haha..

Spring is by far my most favourite season. I can dress in berms and tank top, or jeans and jacket and feel comfortable either way. The colours of nature are truly much more vibrant in spring. I have so much memories attached to spring that I doubt I could ever pen it all down.

The Jacaranda tree blossoms, the Toowomba Flower Festival, the River Fire... When you wake up at 7am in Spring, the sun is shining, yet it is the cool breeze of night you feel against your face. You step out into the sun and immediately you feel what is meant by "the sun's gentle caress" against your face. That warmth is glorious.

Springtime is one of happiness. For some reason, nothing gets you down when you wake up, and it affects you for the rest of the day. You think positive, you act positive and everybody around you is just - happy. It's like everything sleepy is waking up again.

Well.. that is it for the seasons.

In Summer, I went to Agnes Waters and the Town of 1770 to fulfill my dreams of touching the Great Barrier Reef. I went to Byron Bay, the town of true chill-out to snorkel. I went to Surfer's Paradise and Colongatta to learn how to surf, and of course experience the truly beautiful waves.

In Autumn, I went to the Gold Coast Hinterlands, Mount Tamborine to see the great trees and temperate rainforests - rainforests that did not have much insects that enjoy buzzing around you - rainforests that you can really enjoy. I went to the Sunshine Coast, to Noosa and the famous Eumandi Markets that stretch for almost a kilometre in length and breadth..

In Winter, I went to the city of Melbourne, climbed ancient mountains and travelled the Great Ocean Road. I went to Sydney city, took a billion photos of the Sydney Opera House, climbed the Harbour Bridge, ate at the Fisherman's Wharf, got lost in the Blue Mountains. In my last Winter, I went to magnificent New Zealand, travelled the entire length and breadth of the Southern Island, visited Queenstown, Christchurch, Milford Sound, Tekapo, Fox Glacier.

In Spring, I went to Toowoomba to gasp at the sheer amount of flora and fauna, went to Tweed Heads to check out the magnificent sea cliffs. I finally went to Tasmania, and travelled the entire circumference and everything in between in a fortnight of extreme adventure.

You see, I did use my time properly. Haha... I don't regret the sheer lack of time I had in Australia for stoning. Every day was an adventure, every season an opportunity. I studied hard, I played hard. And as for the weather, well... 

It was awesome. 

Parallex Error

Logic doesn't make sense in an emotional equation. It feels like ive been slammed left right and centre right in the middle of my emotional cortex.

I know the rules, and I've played that fatal game before. - never mess with those out of your league, it never ends well. So, how on earth could it even be remotely possible?

My confidence has soared drastically, yet when I attempt to rationalize the situation,  it plummets into an abyss. I could literally laugh and weep at the same time.

For every transaction, there must be an equal exchange. Seriously, what do I have to exchange that would be of value?

Heaven and earth never touches for obvious reasons.

I'm tumbling down the rabbit hole.

I've never been so depressed in my life before... it's a struggle, every single day... not by my superiors, not by my colleagues but by myself. I have a target to hit, a certain figure that I must achieve every month... but the most brutal taskmaster is myself..

I postponed all appointments, schedules, invitations.. so that I could finally be alone by myself to think for the first time in weeks...
- what is happening to me?

I really don't know what is happening... my mind is in a constant compressed state of stress and agitation, I just feel so lethargic and unmotivated that I could cry.. how far have I fallen from my previously cheerful state?

Is this the life which I want?

The sky is getting dark as I write this post, and I'm all alone in my house... More then one person has said that it is my attitude, that I need to change my attitude... I need to look on the bright side, that I have a job, I have an environment to work in that is relatively conducive.
Only catch is, you are your own taskmaster.

Then, what is the job I think suits me best? I'm tired, so tired of being in places where I can't see the future or a future inside it...

I want to genuinely help people, and where people will appreciate the help
I want to have an organized, standardized working time
I want to work hard, and know that people around me know I'm a hard worker.
I want to be in a supportive working environment
I want to specialize at something, and excel in it to the point of almost perfection.
I want to be indispensable in an organization
I want to be a Christian on my job.

I don't want to have to worry about my next rice bowl or roof over my head
I don't want to constantly be worrying about whether there will be business tomorrow or the day after
I don't want to feel so alone in everything I do




Every night when I pray I cry.. it hurts so much and I don't know why...
I even think I might be suffering from clinical depression... I even feel suicidal at times.
My mind is constantly hazy and my brain keeps thumbing me down at everything....



I need help.

='(

To Probe the Invisible Behemoth

It has been a long, long time since I blogged properly..

Haha... I guess it's because I have so many things to write about, so many thoughts un-penned that the notion of putting them all into words is proving to be a very daunting task.

To sum things up, just one post ago (which was quite some time back), I was given the Herculean task of completing the CMFAS papers by the Monetary Authority of Singapore.

CMFAS actually means Capital Market Financial Advisory Services, so yes, I am registered as a legal representative to give financial advise, of course under the watch of my employer.

In perspective, I've told many people how seemingly impossible a task this is, to complete ELEVEN examinations in under a month, and EIGHTEEN internal papers in the next month, totalling to TWENTY-NINE exams in under TWO months.

If maths serve you well, you would gasp in shock and horror as you realize that yes, that means an exam almost every day.

But, the amount of knowledge I have absorbed in the past months is beyond comprehension as well. Studying day, and night, to the point of limiting my sleep and spending every waking moment pouring through textbooks and mock papers flung open a reality that I never thought would exist - the Market.

No, not the place where you buy fish and vegetables (though that would constitute a microscopic part of the Market), but the place where an invisible behemoth lies beneath. The Market, it is everywhere and it affects literally everything. No country can hide from it, and no individual is invulnerable to it.

This brings the total behemoths I surmise over my past experiences to three. 

1) The physical reality: This reality is what you see, what you feel, hear, smell - everything your senses can lock in. If you die in the physical reality, you will never see it again.

2) The Internet: This is a reality. And its a behemoth in it's infant stages. The Internet is everywhere, and it is the combined knowledge of almost every single discovery and wisdom that has every been historically available. If you imagine a single person being able to have the entire Internet in his brain, he would technically be able to solve every single problem on earth just be tabulating all the various permutations to create a solution.

3) The Market: This is a behemoth in it's matured stage. Like the Internet, it is invisible. But the market controls politics, which in turn controls people, which in turn controls culture and everything in it. You and I collateral result of the Market. The education system, the sociological construct, and even happiness and sadness are very much controlled by this behemoth.

These three sleeping monsters are a ticking time bomb, waiting to detonate and collapse - resulting in ultimate chaos from their construct of ultimate order.

You must be thinking, "siao ah", this guy is mad.

But imagine this:

1) The Physical Reality is in an unprecedented, never seen before stage in the billion-years history of the planet. Nature is ripping the entire planet apart. Temperatures are rising and plummeting, drought, famine, floods, disease are the order of the day. Every single day, even your most favourite optimistic news station broadcasts news that would make people in the 16th century declare Apocalypse now. These disasters has increased exponentially over the past century. Just imagine, if the disaster rate just folded upon itself and multiplied itself again, lets say by 10 times; you will be seeing billions of people dying every single day.

2) The Internet. This is a tricky topic, and many people would think that it would never happen. But to understand what COULD happen, it just takes a little bit of imagination. The Internet is the biggest reservoir of knowledge in the entire world - nothing even comes close. As with the famous phrase "knowledge is power"; we are living in the era where information is the ultimate currency. It is not too hard to imagine that the entire world will soon be dependent on the Internet for information. In fact, as of this moment, schools are integrating Google as a part of the education syllabus.

There is just one problem - when does it stop? In one swoop, all your credit card, your house keys, your children's information and your medical information can belong to a single organization. All you can do is pray that they are on your side. Then again, the likelihood is at best, 50-50.

3) The Market: Judging from what I've learnt so far, the Market is system that imposes regulations upon regulation and more regulations in order to justify certain outcomes for the rich. It is this "Market" that the Devil wears Prada on. It is this "Market" that the rich and famous control. It is this "Market" that almost every single war in the past century has been centred upon. At the current moment, the world is in a more critical situation than it has ever been in ever - market volatility is at it's highest, recession and stagflation hits harder and harder, and the entire world in MASSIVE debt - ironically, to its future. I was talking to a good friend this morning, and he enlightened me that this debt is a "push forward debt", simply put - the future generation WILL pay for the mistakes of today.

There is NO solution to it unless of course entire countries collapse. Like how the Greece debt crisis is happening now.

You see? We're truly living in very interesting times.

If we could by stock options on our futures, the premium would be very high judging on the extreme volatility of every situation happening.

There are of course solutions to this - and that is to prepare everyone and erase the source of the problem at one go.

But I digress. I am writing this post because for once I actually have a bit of free time, after I have done my long overdued housework.

Finally, just as the icing on the cake, I am now truly a Banker.

I have obtained approval from both MAS and my employer, DBS to be one.

This has not been an easy road, and the journey ahead is at best, tougher. But I thank, with all my heart the few people who offered me this chance to run this path. As always, I will do my best. I simply, do not know how not to.

Success is only available to those who persevere.

=)

Thank you.